Why is the person avoiding me?
This post is not restricted to boy-girl relationship, and is applicable to most relationships.
1. Space
We all need space to breathe. If the person is avoiding you, it usually means that the person is/was close to you. By making room to breathe, it could be:
a. for self-protection, from you - you are hurting him/her
b. for time to think about other matters - you are bothering him/her
c. avoiding a topic integral to the relationship - your care and concern cannot be reciprocated by him/her at the moment, though it's acknowledged
The person might need just time to do anything he/she wants/needs to do or retreat into seclusion to contemplate about life. For good or bad, the person could also be hiding things from you, or is buying time to think of whether to resolve or hide the issue from you
2. Resources
The person is trying to get more resources, or maintain his/her own resources. The latter means you are taking up either too much time or energy or emotional commitment. Even attention. The person could be needing more attention to be paid to other facets of his/her life. We are aware of the famous line which goes, "I'm earning more money so that you can live a better life." Acquisition of resources could be a reason, and if so, make full use of this opportunity as a milestone for understanding each other better, sharing burdens, and finding solutions together.
Rehabilitation after the time-out is most important in repairing the relationship. Be prepared to:
1. Listen (forget about defending yourself, or shooting down arguments. Listen carefully.)
2. Give in (the person needs time to heal, so giving in will lead to the person giving in)
3. Affirm (forget your ego/pride, and how hurt you are. Focus on the positive aspects of the person, and tell him/her that you are fine even if you are not)
4. Offer help (ask if there is anything you can do)
5. Move on (inject hope into the relationship, a possibility for something positive to look towards)
Once step 5 is fully achieved (the person is emotionally healed from the past event), evaluate your feelings and thoughts, and if there is any way you can share (not complain) your thoughts and feelings on the time-out. This is important for growth of the relationship and of both parties.
What if the person never comes back?
A closure is necessary. Approach the person when you finally cannot bear it (wait for a full week at least) to find out what's going on. When that happens:
1. Explain your concerns - why is the meeting important to you (appeal to logic and reasoning)
2. Share your thoughts and feelings (appeal to emotions)
3. Move on (there is nothing you can do, really)
This post is inspired by my tutee Kim Do Yeon.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
How to be happy?
"How can I be happy?"
If you google this up, I have the biggest secret to happiness. This post will (hopefully) stop your spree for books on happiness.
The secret to happiness is:
Just be happy! (of course there's more, so read on)
Happiness is a feeling that comes from within. It is a mindset - you can be happy, if you choose to be. You don't have to grumble and look at the negative side of life. This is an abstract skill, and let me share with you a more definite key to happiness.
Gratitude.
Has it crossed your mind that since you read the first sentence of this post till here, about 2 children in the world have died of water poisoning? I lived in a place where water is usually unsafe to drink. The poor people were happy that they had gas to boil their water (in a large, black, dirty aluminium pot). The poor people were happy that they had a river in their village and the village further needed to walk 1km to the water source. They are happy drinking the bath water of others. Buffaloes often wash themselves and poop in the river. They call that river their blessing.
Has it crossed your mind that you actually have electricity to read this off a gadget, be it computer or your phone? I used to live in this place where it was totally dark after 6pm, and starlight guided their movements outside the house. They set up candles in the house, and work around that sooty, smelly light it gives. But at least that house had candles. Two houses away, they rather save the money for food than to splurge on candles. I had a battery-operated torch. Taddah! They haven't even seen that before. Of course, I had a mobile phone in my pocket which I shouldn't be flashing.
That is why they are happy. Of course, they could do with more money, but they could have lived without anything. They had something. That something made them happy.
If you're suffering from chronic pessimism, or depression, or melancholy, there's still one way to cure that. Go to where I have been, and live with them. They won't charge you a single cent for staying with them in their homes. It's free of charge. You'll be sleeping on a piece of cloth laid over the floor. You'll eat rice with (the same) pickles 3 times a day. And they make their own pickles using leaves (they call that vegetable, but it's nowhere near anything I've seen in my life). They add pieces of lemon (and you will eat the lemon rinds). Wash your hand in unsafe water, eat with your hand, and wash your hand. Oops. There isn't any soap.
Yet they smile all the time. All the time. If you're ever down and unhappy, think about "what could have been". Life really could have been worse, so much worse. If that has never crossed your mind, well, your life is very sheltered, and blessed.
If you google this up, I have the biggest secret to happiness. This post will (hopefully) stop your spree for books on happiness.
The secret to happiness is:
Just be happy! (of course there's more, so read on)
Happiness is a feeling that comes from within. It is a mindset - you can be happy, if you choose to be. You don't have to grumble and look at the negative side of life. This is an abstract skill, and let me share with you a more definite key to happiness.
Gratitude.
Has it crossed your mind that since you read the first sentence of this post till here, about 2 children in the world have died of water poisoning? I lived in a place where water is usually unsafe to drink. The poor people were happy that they had gas to boil their water (in a large, black, dirty aluminium pot). The poor people were happy that they had a river in their village and the village further needed to walk 1km to the water source. They are happy drinking the bath water of others. Buffaloes often wash themselves and poop in the river. They call that river their blessing.
Has it crossed your mind that you actually have electricity to read this off a gadget, be it computer or your phone? I used to live in this place where it was totally dark after 6pm, and starlight guided their movements outside the house. They set up candles in the house, and work around that sooty, smelly light it gives. But at least that house had candles. Two houses away, they rather save the money for food than to splurge on candles. I had a battery-operated torch. Taddah! They haven't even seen that before. Of course, I had a mobile phone in my pocket which I shouldn't be flashing.
That is why they are happy. Of course, they could do with more money, but they could have lived without anything. They had something. That something made them happy.
If you're suffering from chronic pessimism, or depression, or melancholy, there's still one way to cure that. Go to where I have been, and live with them. They won't charge you a single cent for staying with them in their homes. It's free of charge. You'll be sleeping on a piece of cloth laid over the floor. You'll eat rice with (the same) pickles 3 times a day. And they make their own pickles using leaves (they call that vegetable, but it's nowhere near anything I've seen in my life). They add pieces of lemon (and you will eat the lemon rinds). Wash your hand in unsafe water, eat with your hand, and wash your hand. Oops. There isn't any soap.
Yet they smile all the time. All the time. If you're ever down and unhappy, think about "what could have been". Life really could have been worse, so much worse. If that has never crossed your mind, well, your life is very sheltered, and blessed.
Why are rich people unhappy?
The rich is often unhappier as compared to the poor. Why are rich people unhappy?
Because the rich has achieved something, and the poor hasn't. So how does this work? Success is inversely proportional to happiness?
Yes, because the qualities to attain "absolute/objective success" i.e. an achievement that everyone unanimously applaud without much contention, could potentially make a person unhappy.
The upward climb is difficult, not just due to gravity. Heaps of stuff fall from the top, and to climb higher means you have to suffer more trash, more knocks, gain better agility to climb, tolerate the feeling of being sandwiched.
You need the drive to climb. And this drive to climb usually comes from dissatisfaction with status quo. This discontentment might potentially lead to a person achieving and achieving but never feeling satisfied. Or happy.
Or worse, the person might forget to enjoy his/her achievements, which is exactly what makes a person miserable.
Happiness is enjoying what you have. If you can't, then you will never be happy.
Because the rich has achieved something, and the poor hasn't. So how does this work? Success is inversely proportional to happiness?
Yes, because the qualities to attain "absolute/objective success" i.e. an achievement that everyone unanimously applaud without much contention, could potentially make a person unhappy.
The upward climb is difficult, not just due to gravity. Heaps of stuff fall from the top, and to climb higher means you have to suffer more trash, more knocks, gain better agility to climb, tolerate the feeling of being sandwiched.
You need the drive to climb. And this drive to climb usually comes from dissatisfaction with status quo. This discontentment might potentially lead to a person achieving and achieving but never feeling satisfied. Or happy.
Or worse, the person might forget to enjoy his/her achievements, which is exactly what makes a person miserable.
Happiness is enjoying what you have. If you can't, then you will never be happy.
What makes a champion?
In Singapore, we believe to a large extent that we all should be Number 1. However, this is quite impossible, or the term Number 1 would lose its meaning. How then should we reconcile being a Number 2 and accepting it? Disclaimer: this belief is more prevalent in the upper strata of society, and is not limited to only Singapore.
When should we be happy, satisfied of what we have achieved?
Is a champion an objective label of a winner, a performer, a number-one? Is a champion someone privileged, an all-rounder, someone who has a niche area?
I say a champion is one who never quits, one who tries his/her best, one who is secure in his/her abilities yet not complacent, who is keen to learn and willing to impart. This makes the term "champion" relative.
The greatest champions are possibly those who surpass themselves, to have achieved "in spite of" everything. Of course, achievement is relative too. Achievement could be easily equated to "what you want". If you want nothing, you have nothing, you have achieved everything. If you want something, you have something but not quite the thing you hope to achieve, work harder. Having done all, enjoy what you have. If you don't, achieving all you want doesn't make you happy either.
You don't have to prove to anyone anything.
When should we be happy, satisfied of what we have achieved?
Is a champion an objective label of a winner, a performer, a number-one? Is a champion someone privileged, an all-rounder, someone who has a niche area?
I say a champion is one who never quits, one who tries his/her best, one who is secure in his/her abilities yet not complacent, who is keen to learn and willing to impart. This makes the term "champion" relative.
The greatest champions are possibly those who surpass themselves, to have achieved "in spite of" everything. Of course, achievement is relative too. Achievement could be easily equated to "what you want". If you want nothing, you have nothing, you have achieved everything. If you want something, you have something but not quite the thing you hope to achieve, work harder. Having done all, enjoy what you have. If you don't, achieving all you want doesn't make you happy either.
You don't have to prove to anyone anything.
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